I have been learning so much! And something that has really stuck out to me recently is that in order to make changes. In order to improve. In order to develop our human selves we have to involve our conscious selves! It is conscious daily choices. It is setting reminders on our phones. Sticky notes on our mirrors and computers. Bracelets on our wrists.
The first thing we need to do is DECIDE! Once we make the decision then we have to act in a forward intention. But you cannot rely on your subconscious to kick in and naturally do the changes for you! Won't happen. You will fail. YOU have to consciously choose to apply the new way of thinking and learning. And you will take steps backwards because you are human! Our greatest challenge in life is consistency. The natural man takes over and we fall back to the natural way things were. It takes time to break through that! It takes time to apply a new way of thinking! But DON'T give up! You are here to develop. You are here to find new ways to live happier lives! Don't settle. And don't assume doing something for a few weeks or a few months that it should automatically come naturally to you! It takes time. It's like learning a new language. Be patient. Take baby steps. Create a solid foundation to build on.
Obviously my focus is to help women create happier marriages! What I do is so rewarding as I watch women connect to the information I teach them and I anxiously sit and wait for the day I hear from them saying, oh my word, IT'S WORKING! It is so rewarding! But the thing is I teach them and share with them tools but they have to choose to apply it. They have to consciously choose to apply it and celebrate it when they do and repair it when they don't. And slowly they are able to consciously start to create the relationship they have always desired! It is amazing! It is freeing! It is happiness at a level that both husband and wife long for. Notice I never said perfect. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT. We are two imperfect people coming together to create awesome imperfectness. Marriages and life are always revolving. There will always be new dimensions and moving parts. But once you have the tools, you're able to maneuver through those events so much smoother.
But it takes consciousness! Being conscious about your choices. Making daily choices to help move you in that forward intention! How you act and react. You are in control. You get to choose. You cannot change him, only yourself. And as you do, he slowly starts to respond to your changes and you become more loved, more fulfilled and your marriage is strengthened! It's pretty much amazing!
How often have you felt alone in your struggles? Have you ever felt like you're the ONLY one that is hurting? Or have you felt like you're the ONLY one that is trying.
I talk to so many women that experience heartaches with either desiring and wanting a good relationship with a good man, or one's that are married and seem to have lost the feelings that drew her to marry him in the first place.
There is one thing I know for sure. LIFE loves to suck the LIFE out of us. Out of our marriages, and out of ourselves. How do we stop this from happening? How do you find that person to love? How do create that relationship we thought we were going to have when we said our I do's?
First for those single ladies that so desperately want to feel loved and cared for. My main advice to you is be the person you want to find. Be outgoing. Be happy. Be hopeful. Be you. And do not settle. Live your life with LIFE in it. Excitement and joy. Do not beat yourself up if you're struggling to find that knight and shining armor to sweep you off your feet. As you take care of you by working on being the best version of you, he will cross your path. But you must take care of yourself first, know what you want (with a little flexibility because no one is perfect, but don't settle for less then you deserve) and be kind to yourself.
For those wonderful women that are struggling to find that connection and happiness in your marriages, DON’T GIVE UP. If you are married to a healthy man, who isn’t abusing you, then please know that you have the ability to create the relationship you desire. You really do. Do you remember the effort you put into your relationship before you were married? The spark, the excitement to go out and to just SEE him? Chances are you put a little more effort into the courtship then you might be in your marriage. You need to be willing to put your marriage first, and take the time to learn about how he works. You also need to be filling your wells that are very depleted. If you do these things you can find the love you're missing. I believe it 110%!
Marriage is worth fighting for. It really is. Take giving up out as an option! And settling too!
You often hear people talk about how we should just be able to forgive and move on. This is a powerful way to live. Those who are able to not hold grudges and hate will be so much healthier emotionally, spiritually and physically. It is so freeing. I also believe in the power of prayer to help us find the strength to be able to forgive others who have trespassed us or hurt us. Prayer is powerful and reminds us that we have someone on our side, we are not alone in our struggles.
But sometimes we need something more. Many times in order for us to either forgive or move forward or even find increased happiness we need to process what we have already been through, at a deeper level than just forgiving and moving on. Sometimes it takes a little more effort on our part to have our prayers heard and answered.
If you struggle in life, if you have problems with trust, if your relationships are suffering, if you are not experiencing the happiness that you desire, you may need to take some action and choose to find avenues that will help you to achieve what you would like to achieve in your life. To love the way you want to love. To feel the way you want to feel. To heal the way your heart is longing to be healed.
Taking this journey alone can sometimes be overwhelming and seem like a dead end road with no hope left. I have felt that before. I cannot express strongly enough the power behind knowledge. The power behind allowing yourself to be heard and understand yourself at a deeper level. Many times it takes finding a great therapist that can step you through the process of finding the healing you want in what ever part of your life you are looking for it. I am a big advocator on NOT SETTLING! We need to stop settling! And we need to stop thinking our unhappiness is BECAUSE of someone else. If you believe that then you have given the control up in your life. There is a better way. There really is.
Choose to be in control. Choose to want a better way. Choose to allow yourself to find healing and find someone that can help you on that path. You owe it to yourself and everyone around you. It really is the only way you will be truly happy. And we are meant to have happiness in this life. We are. Start now…...
Do you see the stars, milky way or the spectacular cliff?
It is so interesting to me that I hear women say all the time, I want a better relationship with my husband, but then show such an intolerance to them. I share this from personal experience as well. I was one of those women.
Ladies, we speak different languages. Completely. This does not mean that you cannot get your needs met, BUT, it does mean that you're going to have to give a little here and there. Just like they, your husbands, have to give a little here and there to you.
Your husbands work differently than you do! You both can be looking at the same room and be asked to describe the scene and you will describe totally different rooms! Does that make one way better than the other? No it does not. But it does mean you have to be willing to understand that he has his own point of view just as you do. You can argue this all you want. You can fight and scream to try and get him to see your view. He may for a moment see your view to try and create peace, but his natural DNA will kick in and he will once again find himself in that same spot being yelled at for not seeing it your way.
Dang it ladies, there is a better way. LEARN how to communicate with him in a language that resonates with him. A list of to do’s does not resonate. But a list of what they provide for you, DOES! It’s all in the simple words we choose to use. As well as how we follow up, and how we choose to interrupt their single task focus. As we choose to understand them, it makes it SO MUCH EASIER ON US. We learn they aren’t ignoring us. We learn they actually do care. And we learn that HE does want to help. It just might not look the way we think it should look.
Sorry ladies, get off your high horse, and stop thinking your way is the ONLY WAY. And if he can’t see your way then he is stupid, slow, or doesn’t care. You're WRONG! I’ve been there before. And the way I am living now IS SO MUCH BETTER. So I can share this advice with you from personal experience. IT DOES NOT WORK. If you really want a stronger marriage, then learn his language and try to understand our differences. Learn how YOU work. It's amazing and very freeing!
Okay rant over. Go love your man, be adored and create your story!
In my studies today I had a big ah ha moment. I hope I am able to explain it as well as it formed in my head.
As I have been studying several relationship books, I have realized how some of these books could create frustration for women. Many relationship books break it up into her and him. This is what a husband should and shouldn’t be doing. This is what a wife should and shouldn’t be doing. His side -her side. His weaknesses. Her weaknesses. What he needs to change. What she needs to change. This is good right?? Except what about the fact that your husband isn’t the one reading the book? And your reading and learning how he can be better for you, but yet how do you get him to get on board and have him participate? As I was studying today I even had the thought, well geez Jeff doesn’t do that. Shoot is this going to be a problem? And then it hit me…..why I am doing what I do. Why I am teaching the way I teach women.
We cannot change anyone else around us. We only have control over ourselves. So often when a relationship is struggling our first knee jerk reaction is to blame the other. (believe me I know I have done this!) But the problem with this is - - you have no control over the other. So how are things going to change? How are you going to create your story if you have to sit back and wait for him to jump on board and “BE” the way the books say he should be?
It's not going to happen. Sorry
For those of you that have husbands that love to improve and read relationship books and apply their teachings - - WOW that is awesome! Honestly that is so cool! For the rest of you, I have the greatest news for you! YOU get to rely on YOU! How cool is that! You get to decide to create your story by YOU choosing to learn and understand men. Knowledge is power. You waiting and hoping he will change is a waste of time. But you can learn about yourself. Understand why you do the things you do, react the way you react. Once you can name it you can tame it. You can learn the language of men and learn to speak to him in a way that resonates with him. Learn to love him in his language. As you do this, often the natural consequence will be him loving you more, adoring you more and helping you create your story together. It is AMAZING! It is NOT about controlling him where you think “how can I make HIM do this” or “If I do this, then he will……………” That isn’t how it works. The attitude to have is that you're going to do this because it's good for me and good for him regardless of whether he changes or not. Thanks Cary MacArthur for helping me put my thoughts into words today!
I love this so much! The best thing we can choose to do for our relationships is to understand how the other one works. But it only takes 1 person to turn a relationship around. That is the power that is in YOU! I LOVE THIS! I have seen it happen time and time again with my clients. We aren’t changing their husbands, in fact some husbands don’t even know they are working with me. But all of a sudden their relationship starts to change. Things improve. All from one person CHOOSING to want more and willing to do the work to create it. Choosing to not settle. Choosing to love their man so they can be adored and create their story. I love my job!
How can we get our needs met? Well it kind of starts with letting your needs be known. This sounds pretty much like a duh, but unfortunately women often assume men are a version of us and should “instinctively” know what we need. Your girlfriend might know or your mom, but your hubby, he is single tasked focused and he has NO IDEA. So we set them up for failure waiting for them to guess what we need. It is actually very sad because men are providers and they need to be needed as John Gray teaches. But women hate to be needy! This is kind of a problem don’t you think?
Ladies we are NOT needy by asking for our needs to be met. I promise you we aren’t. We are assuming men are a version of us, and if you were to keep telling a girlfriend what you needed ya she might think you're needy. But men don’t think this way. He hears the need and is like sweet okay I can handle that then looks for your appreciation and admiration for meeting that need. The trick is, ladies he may not do “IT” exactly the way you would. And that is OKAY! There is more than one way to do things. And I have news for you, “YOUR WAY IS NOT THE ONLY WAY TO DO IT.” If you can embrace that one lesson you will have so much more joy in your relationship! BUT and this is a big BUT! How you ask for your needs to be met MATTERS! Demands don’t allow them to be given as gifts. Men like to give. Criticism doesn’t work with men, it actually shuts them down. Sharing a whole huge explanation of what you need and why with a serious tone about you, doesn’t work either. Keep it simple, light, and loving. Make sure you share what filling that need will provide for you, because he is your provider and it will resonate with him! He will respond in a much more positive way. Try it!
Photo Credit: Apakah Kesan Menelan Air Mani
I am a pretty passionate person. If I believe strongly in something, there is usually a lot of passion behind it. I believe it's a gift. I believe it's what helps me be a good teacher. I’ve learned to embrace this trait instead of being embarrassed over it. So this is me. Like me or not, you get the real me. Now I’m about to discuss a pretty sensitive subject. But I’ve learned. I’ve learned A LOT! And knowledge is power……
Do yourself a favor and READ THIS BOOK!
Every married couple should read this book. Every engaged couple should read this book before they get married. And every parent should read this book.
This book is LDS Christian based, BUT anyone who believes in a higher being could read this book and love it.
As Christian individuals we often teach about sexual intimacy in a way that carries with it a negative connotation. Hoping to keep our youth and young adults sexually pure. Not realizing what this has done to our own inner beliefs, and those we have taught. It’s time to change this paradigm!!
I am speaking just as much to myself. I consider myself a pretty open person. But reading this book has made me see and wish I could re-teach all of the lessons I have taught the last 20 years to the youth! But I didn’t know! But I do now, and I feel it is my calling to use my passion and GET THE WORD OUT!
WE HAVE BEEN TEACHING IT WRONG.
Read the book. Please.
Marriage is THE BIGGEST EVENT IN OUR LIVES. Sexual intimacy goes right along with this event. If you had a mother that was very open with you before your wedding, then praises to her. She was an angel from above. Laura Brotherson takes on a problem that stems from trying to be “respectful” to sexual intimacy. And that problem is created by us trying to keep it sacred, it turned into “SECRET”. Secrets make you more curious. Secrets make you want to know more. Secrets keep you from disclosing what you are discover. Secrets are the root of the adversary. Secrets create DAMAGE.
Through my intense studies I had learned that sexual intimacy in marriage is foundational. If your sex life is bad, chances are many other areas in your life are bad. You can’t have a healthy marriage without having a healthy sex life. And with trying to be morally upright people, we get confused about what is right and what is wrong. Even in the bounds of marriage. And who do you talk to about it? If you're struggling sexually who do you talk to? Who knows the answers?
The answers are in this BOOK! And LADIES WE NEED TO START TALKING ABOUT IT! In a healthy respectful way. Knowledge is power people!
Okay rant is over. I will settle my passionate self down.
But do yourself and your spouse a favor READ THIS DARN BOOK! Even if you have a fantastic sex life. Read the book so you know how to teach your children, your youth, and your young adults before marriage. DO IT!
And just a quick note to all you ladies out there; Women are supposed to enjoy and love intimacy just as much as men. I hear a lot of opposite from women. It really is sad. But there is hope. There is information that can help. Don’t give up. Don’t settle. You deserve more! Sex is good ladies! God made your body to receive pleasure with intimacy. He really did. But sometimes we just need to be taught. Read the book.
I am reading a book called, “What's it like to be married to me” by Linda Dillow. It is going along with all that I have been working on and studying. I feel so fortunate because I am being my own student. I am learning so much! And the thought I get to share it with others makes me so happy! During my mentoring session this morning I was so excited to share a few thoughts that all came at me at once and they were all are interlinked! We were able to make sense out of a situation that typically would be frustrating for us. Knowledge is power! I really do believe it with all my heart.
Well I decided to do the first assignment that Linda Dillow has in her book. A Lot of times I skip over the assignments, which makes me NOT my best student. But for some reason I felt this assignment I needed to do.
She asked you to envision going to a funeral and as you walk up to the casket you see yourself. You're stunned and your mind is flooded with all sorts of thoughts. As you take a seat and look through the program and you see there is only one speaker and it is your husband. She now asks you to answer these 4 questions as if you have died and share what YOU WANT your husband to say at your funeral. Kind of puts it into perspective don’t you think? Only you have control over your actions and how you choose to live.
She shares, “As you think deeply about these questions, write down your thoughts and feelings. This exercise will reveal to you what your deepest values are, who you want to become as a wife. To live your life with the end in view is to align your daily and secret choices with this picture. It is to examine each part of your life--what you do today, tomorrow, next week, next year; how you chose to spend the time with your lover--in the context of the whole, of what really matters most to you.”
She then recommends you put it together in a resolution or declaration. A prayer or scripture. A poem, song or a letter you write yourself. A acrostic or a listed paragraph. I chose to use the word CREATE.
So here you have mine! This is very vulnerable for me! I can’t believe I am going to share this! Looking at the list I have a long ways to go. But I would have a lot further if I never would have made the list. At least I have goals to shoot for now!
So I dare you to try it! See what comes up. And don’t forget to ask yourself this very important but dangerous question, “What is it like being married to me?”
We already know that communication is vital to have a healthy marriage. But did you know that communication increases intimacy?
For women we desire to have that emotional connection. If we don't feel heard it's really hard to open ourselves up to feeling loved and wanting to be loved intimately. For men I believe they fear saying the wrong thing. So they are very careful about what they share if anything. Too often they get “in trouble” for what they share. (By the way there is a solution for that. It amazingly transforms your relationship)
Joe Bean, author of Becoming One shares, "For many couples, intimacy would increase if they simply started sharing facts that are completely non threatening. For example, if a couple set aside twenty to thirty minutes every day to talk about their days--who they saw, what they ate for lunch, and the like--they could actually increase intimacy. The very acts of spending time together and communicating (two of the keys to intimacy) feed the intimacy turbine…….” He goes on to share, “Sadly, many couples hardly talk at all. He wants to forget work when he gets home. She’s had a horrible day and would rather forget that it ever happened. They each talk to the kids--if they talk at all--and communicate with each other only in short, essential statements. For these couples, the turbine has gone dry. It isn't producing any intimacy because nothing is feeding it…. IF you want to start increasing intimacy in your marriage, start talking more than you do now. “
You're life isn’t going to make time on it's own for little talking. You are going to have to MAKE the time. Make it a priority. And remember it only takes one to turn a relationship around. Why don’t YOU ask your spouse tonight when they get home, how their day was? And add a smile to it! You just might open the door to more intimacy in your relationship!
I looked up the top New Year’s resolutions/goals for 2017 and they are actually some really awesome goals! The top 7 were:
I do find it interesting though that people will spend lots of money to get healthy. They will spend lots of money to travel and to live life to the fullest and on hobbies. But what fun is it to do these things if you're marriage isn’t happy? Shouldn’t that be the first investment you plan to make? I really wonder where this thinking comes from that people just assume it should all just work out…...eventually. People eventually will never come if YOU don’t do something about it.
First off no marriage is perfect. Second off we could all use some good tools. Third off, I don’t know any marriage that wouldn’t benefit from some extra tender love and care. Knowledge is power. If there is something in your marriage that you're not happy with, or you're not feeling the JOY you want to or you feel that something is just missing. Then pick up a book and learn. Don’t feel like there isn’t hope or another way. There are so many resources to help. It truly is amazing! Knowledge is power. Yes it takes time and work. BUT IT IS SO WORTH IT! Remember don’t settle. You deserve more. Make 2017 be your year to build the marriage you have always wanted. Will it be perfect, NO, no such thing. But it will be mighty dang good! ❤ Happy New Years!
"I don't believe you have to be better than everybody else. I believe you have to be better than you ever thought you could be."